Cruise Control

As I walked home from work one day this week, I was struck by the thought that my life is amazingly easy right now: I wake up. I go to work. I have a boss who has my best interest at heart, constantly encourages me, and praises me for the work I do. I feel affirmed at work. I leave work and very often do not think about what has happened during the day until 8 the next morning. I have enough money to pay all my bills. I even have money left over to do fun things like fly to Chicago for engagement parties, and smaller things like going out to eat with friends pretty regularly. I am surrounded by people that seek to love and serve the Lord with their lives. I am part of a community of believers.

Nothing in my life really requires a great deal of effort. I'm thankful for all these blessings. I'm thankful that all my needs are met. Yet, in a strange way, I find myself resenting all these blessings. I'm living my life, but I don't feel alive.

It makes me wonder if I'm just looking for something to complain about. Am I just looking for a way to be negative, or is there actually a crucial element missing? I tend to think that it is quite feasible that it's a combination of both. My heart longs for action, for intense purpose, and perhaps even struggle. Struggle, because out of struggle comes growth. Our of struggle comes change. Without the struggle, you're just running your motor and staying in the same place.

My growth and struggle has been linked to my "vocation" for the past few years at least. Living in Mexico and Honduras challenged me on a daily basis, at varying degrees depending on the day. To not have those challenges so blatantly, and, dare I say, easily before me makes life borderline boring.

So now, the question remains: should my life be inherently challenging? Or do I need to go out and seek the challenges? Do I need to actively seek the struggles and growth? Or was it exciting and challenging because I was doing things that I care about so deeply?

I want to feel urgency. I want to feel passion and conviction. God, ignite in me a compassion for the people that surround me. Burn in me a passion for my job. Give me eyes and ears to see and hear the struggles around me. Make me thankful, or tear me down to humble me. I just want to feel something other than apathy.