el gozo no se me acaba

i'm back in Ensenada for the week. 'nuf said. :)

The pastors are here in the ministry center, still with the same antics. Still with the same carefree joking and teasing. Still drinking coffee and chatting a while before getting to work. Some things never change.

We saw Rick and Tammie on Saturday night when we got in. And the swelling in my heart hasn't gone down since. It's funny how you miss people you love when you're not around them--and goodness knows I've missed them--but it's funny how you almost miss people more right when you see them. Upon seeing them you remember everything you miss about them and how important they are in your life.

I got to go to Faustino and Tomasa's church yesterday. Faustino, in his classic white button-down and dress pants was walking towards the end of his driveway, taking care of business before the service had to start--30-45 min late as usual. But that worked to my advantage because I got to go into the house, see Tomasa, Sofía, and Chava, and spend some time talking to them before I went into church.

I walked back towards the house and the first person I saw was Chava. He turned, saw me, squared off, dropped his jaw, and stood there staring. I think he may have thought I wasn't actually there. He stayed that way until I was right in front of him and scooped him up into my arms. Once I was hugging him, I heard the bubbling giggles. He remembers me. He still loves me.

"I'm happy to be here" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Cruise Control

As I walked home from work one day this week, I was struck by the thought that my life is amazingly easy right now: I wake up. I go to work. I have a boss who has my best interest at heart, constantly encourages me, and praises me for the work I do. I feel affirmed at work. I leave work and very often do not think about what has happened during the day until 8 the next morning. I have enough money to pay all my bills. I even have money left over to do fun things like fly to Chicago for engagement parties, and smaller things like going out to eat with friends pretty regularly. I am surrounded by people that seek to love and serve the Lord with their lives. I am part of a community of believers.

Nothing in my life really requires a great deal of effort. I'm thankful for all these blessings. I'm thankful that all my needs are met. Yet, in a strange way, I find myself resenting all these blessings. I'm living my life, but I don't feel alive.

It makes me wonder if I'm just looking for something to complain about. Am I just looking for a way to be negative, or is there actually a crucial element missing? I tend to think that it is quite feasible that it's a combination of both. My heart longs for action, for intense purpose, and perhaps even struggle. Struggle, because out of struggle comes growth. Our of struggle comes change. Without the struggle, you're just running your motor and staying in the same place.

My growth and struggle has been linked to my "vocation" for the past few years at least. Living in Mexico and Honduras challenged me on a daily basis, at varying degrees depending on the day. To not have those challenges so blatantly, and, dare I say, easily before me makes life borderline boring.

So now, the question remains: should my life be inherently challenging? Or do I need to go out and seek the challenges? Do I need to actively seek the struggles and growth? Or was it exciting and challenging because I was doing things that I care about so deeply?

I want to feel urgency. I want to feel passion and conviction. God, ignite in me a compassion for the people that surround me. Burn in me a passion for my job. Give me eyes and ears to see and hear the struggles around me. Make me thankful, or tear me down to humble me. I just want to feel something other than apathy.