Los anhelos de mi corazon

It is very easy to get to a place, see what's going on, and become overwhelmed with what the people are doing, what the people want you to do, and lose focus of the passions God has laid on your very unique heart (because He has made all our hearts unique). It is very easy to desire so much to be a help that you will bend and twist what God has laid on your heart to make it fit the mold of what you are being pushed into.

There is definitely something to be said for flexibility and meeting the needs as they are presented before you, but at the same time, there is also merit in remembering who God has created you to be and what He has made you passionate about. Recently, I have been focusing so hard on understanding where my gifts can fit into the ministries that are already running here, that I have been trying to squeeze myself into a mold into which I do not fit.

God did not call me here to "be a Mexican". To all of you reading, that may seem quite obvious. You might even say to me, "Kourtney, that is quite silly! How can you be just like the Mexicans? You are American." But for some reason, I had this silly idea in my head that in order to be an effective servant and missionary, I had to meld into the culture and blend in perfectly. My unconscious goal was to "fit in" and work with the people by "becoming one of them".

I see now, that is pretty much an impossible goal. No matter how comfortable I become or how comfortable the people here become with me, I will never BE an inherent part of their community--"one of them", for lack of a better term. And, this is not a bad thing.

::Sorry if this all seems so very obvious to the rest of you::

I am currently enjoying the freedom God has given me to be myself among people who are inherently different from me and within a culture that is not my own. Up until now, I have been holding back on a lot of opinions, shying away from conversations on controversial topics, and trying to appease many of the very conservative beliefs surrounding me.

Now, instead of walking on eggshells, constantly being afraid of offending someone, I am enjoying the beauty of our differences. Neither one of us is better than the other, just different. And God did not create me just like the people here. In our differences, we are going to learn from one another.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going around picking fights with everyone or praying the Rosary (which would be a heresy to the Protestant Church here), but I am feeling free to express my opinions when the opportunity arises to discuss them. The key is not to blend in and pretend I'm just like them, but to grow together in mutual respect to come to a better understanding and better place, in closer connection with God.

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden." Matthew 5:14

I understand that this verse was not written to encourage our individuality and rights to self-expression, but as God is calling us to be the salt and light of the earth, He is calling us all to do it according to who He created us to be. Here, Jesus is getting at the fact that it is illogical to cover up the light He has put inside you, but this verse comes to mind because, in being salt and light, God is not calling us to be something we are not, but to rather be exactly who He has called us to be--His faithful followers. And as a faithful follower of Christ, I am obligated to bear witness to the ways in which He has worked in my life and how He has shaped me.

All this to say that not only am I praying that God would show me where He wants to plug me into the ministry here, but also praying that He would show me (and remind me) more clearly how my passions and who I am as a person fit into my calling of being a servant and a light among those in my community.

But in tandem with this, I also ask that He would continue to change and shape me. It does no good to settle into who I am at this very instant and refuse the Potter's hand as He works in me. Rather, I desire to stay true to the work He has done up to this point and still willingly receive the works that are yet to come, asking for wisdom to know the difference between the two.