the shortest distance

"The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor."
-?

To be perfectly honest, I have really been struggling in the past few days.

I have been struggling to understand exactly where God wants me to be within this ministry down here. I want to serve, but I don't know what it is supposed to look like. I want to encourage the people in the ministries and help them grow, but I don't know what I have to offer.

I have been struggling with a divided heart and divided attentions. My heart is in pieces as we approach the one year anniversary of my brother's death. I am overcome with grief and sadness at random times. I'm torn between being vulnerable with the people here about my struggles and just getting through this time with the support of Casey. I don't want to be dishonest, but I'm afraid the people here won't understand. From what I've seen, they view death very differently and process loss differently.

I have been struggling between being honest with my emotions and holding them back for a more "appropriate time". I am not usually one to cry with other people around, but the past two nights I have wound up in tears at the prayer services.

I have been struggling between helping and being helped. I need to be vulnerable and humble enough to accept support from my Mexican brothers and sisters, but I feel like I have nothing to give them in return.

BUT... oh there is a BUT...

Last night I had a moment of clarity. Up until last night, it was extremely difficult for me to pray alongside my Mexican brothers and sisters because of the way in which they pray. Everyone prays all at once, out loud. I am easily distracted and have not been able to focus my heart in prayer. Up until last night, I would pray in accord with whoever was praying the loudest. But, last night, I knew I needed to pray.

We were all on our knees, everyone was praying, and the process of despairing in my distraction started again. But God got ahold of me and said, "JUST PRAY!". So I started to pray. It felt unnatural and uncomfortable at first, but God focused my heart and I was able to enter into a time of honest prayer.

Praying didn't take away the struggles that are on my heart. Praying didn't heal all the pains I am feeling. BUT clarity came through prayer.

Casey and I have been saying that we want to dedicate more time to pray for the ministry and for God's direction, but it has only been talk. We have not actually gone to God on our knees and asked Him for direction.

As I was laying in bed last night, reflecting on the time of prayer, it suddenly seemed so clear what God was directing me to do: pray for His people, pray for His church, seek His face, and the rest will come when it needs to.

As far as my struggles with my heart and mourning my brother, He has called me to continue to pray about that as well. Pray for His guidance, His healing, His wisdom, His peace. Being honest with God about how I am feeling and what I feel Him doing is a powerful move. We can't hide from God, so why try?

"Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray." James 5:13

I would ask that you, too, pray for these things. Please pray for the 6 churches down here. Please pray for the ministries. Please pray that God would clearly show us where He wants to use the gifts He has given us.

Please also pray for my heart. Please pray that I do not push emotions aside, but that I find a healthy and appropriate way to mourn my brother while still serving the Lord. In our weakness, God is strong and He will do great things through me in my broken state to bring glory to His name.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. It is encouraging to have people tell us that they are praying for us and know that you TRULY are.