Your head is aching, I'll make it better

I sat in church yesterday and thought about how I really didn't want to be there.  My head was hurting, I had just come from another church service, and my back was hurting for a variety of reasons.  I confessed to myself and to God that I really only went because I felt like I had to, not at all because I wanted to.  Plainly, I just wasn't feeling it.  

Surprisingly, I was very comfortable with this confession.  During my time here in Mexico, I've come to the realization that there are some days you just won't want to do ministry.  Dan, a fellow intern, very often says, "I love my job.  I hate my job."  Or he just says one or the other depending on the situation.  We all agree that it is a very fair depiction of our feelings.  We won't love what we do at all times because God does not promise a constant party as you live out the call He has on your life.  On the flip side, it isn't all thorns either.  There are many many times that I am acutely aware of the blessing it is to work here in Ensenada with the people God has put around me.  

Having this understood, I know that I will not always want to go to church, and that it doesn't make me a terrible person.  However, last night, as I sat in the pew, thinking about how much I didn't want to be there, God taught me a lesson.  It was my turn to read the scripture lesson for the service, and I was allowed to choose it.  Before the service, I had chosen Isaiah 44:6-8 

"This is what the LORD says— 
       Israel's King and Redeemer, the LORD Almighty: 
       I am the first and I am the last; 
       apart from me there is no God.

 Who then is like me? Let him proclaim it. 
       Let him declare and lay out before me 
       what has happened since I established my ancient people, 
       and what is yet to come— 
       yes, let him foretell what will come.

 Do not tremble, do not be afraid. 
       Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago? 
       You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me? 
       No, there is no other Rock; I know not one."

I read the scripture at the appropriate time, sat back down, and listened as Tomasa transitioned into a time of musical worship to be led by Abel.  As I listened to her, the depth of the words sunk into my heart and I heard a voice in my head say, "THIS is the God we serve.  THIS is the God you came to worship today.  How can you possibly want to do anything else?"  In that moment, things changed.  It wasn't so much that all of a sudden I wanted to be in church; my head still hurt, my back still hurt, and I had still just recently been to a 3 hour service--but rather, my understanding of why I should be there changed.  I understood that being in church at that moment had nothing to do with whether or not I was feeling it.  It had nothing to do with whether or not I liked or even knew the songs Abel was going to play.  It entirely had to do with the fact that I have so many things for which I can come to God's throne and thank and praise Him.  Our Sunday services are called Worship Services for a reason: they exist to create an environment and time for us to come collectively and worship God.  I've been learning more deeply lately that faith and following Jesus is an act of will and not something based on our feelings.  Very closely linked to this is our act of worship.  We make the decision to worship God because He deserves our worship, not because we feel something in our chest or like the beat of the music.  

So I made the decision to worship God on Sunday.  I made the decision to tell God how great He is and lift His name up even though it didn't give me warm fuzzies.  I don't share this to make myself sound like some deep christian who knows or loves Jesus more than you, but really to share the joy and the lesson God taught me this sunday.